I can’t tell if it’s the feeling of a hollow in my chest, or a weight on my heart. Honestly it’s quite hard to describe. Can’t quite tell if it’s emptiness, or heaviness. But I feel it often.

My sister tends to tell me, you don’t like to feel.
It’s kind of true.

TOO OFTEN… that feeling is present, and I open my phone. And I pour through anything, everything, Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, a Bible App. Pinterest. It’s usually in that exact order. I don’t know why I so desperately desire to distract myself from that feeling. The distraction never satisfies.

The funny thing is, I have this feeling on my heart – from both feelings that are bad or good. It’s just the fact that it is so intense that makes me squirm.

My sister tends to tell me, you don’t like to feel.
It’s kind of true.

Then there are times, TOO LESS… that feeling is present, and I pray. I don’t quite know why I don’t pray more often when I experience that feeling. I think it’s partly because it’s hard to trust that when I am praying… I am praying to an invisible Being I say I believe in. To ACTUALLY FEEL it – is hard. To actually BELIEVE it – is hard. Perhaps I feel I’m alone talking to myself. And that’s a little bit terrifying. What if God isn’t real?

oh but child. WHAT IF HE IS?
and what if HE LOVES YOU.
and I remind myself of that again and again.

When I pray, I don’t ask God to take the feeling away, but somehow, just by being still in His presence, and delighting in the fact, that the GOD of the UNIVERSE delights in me. That feeling is lifted. And I find myself in the presence of LOVE. One who cares for me dearly, ready to listen to every story of mine. Every joy, every pain. He cares. He listens better than any other. And in some precious moments, I realize He really is real.

That feeling. Is a constant reminder, that as a mere human, I dearly need HIM. Need His fulness to fill the void. Need His strength to lift the weight.

What I do like to feel is Joy. I feel it intensely and it overflows. It makes me sad when others around me don’t experience that same Joy and I desperately try to share my joy well. What I’ve come to realize however, is – that – Joy – is not mere human joy. I experience it so intensely because it comes from Him.

I’ve come to learn that to do Life, with the giver of Life, is to experience Life intensely.

In prayer, I’ve learned, to pray with thankfulness. It’s thankfulness to be in His presence – through the good, the bad, the pain, the joy – it’s thankfulness to be in His presence that brings a sweetness to prayer that can cut through the intensity of whatever the feeling is and bring peace to my heart.

And so, when I unconsciously believe, what if God doesn’t hear me? / What if God doesn’t care?  … I remind myself, oh but child. What if HE DOES!

What if HE LOVES YOU!